After 10 months of wallowing and rolling in the ditch of my heartbreak, I have decided that I needed to create new memories. Happier poems. Face my fears alone. As I write this I still love him to bits and hate him to no end. But I guess that’s something I need to let go. I have always been ashamed of my own thoughts when putting in legible words. I am the one that deletes messages if you haven’t read them in a stipulated time of 10minutes. This has to change isn’t it, my words keep me alive, I can’t run away from them. The event changed my life and continues to do so every day, it’s as if the universe decided enough is enough, no more running. Things that weren’t meant to be stopped working for me. So right now, I am unemployed, in debt and lack any motivation. It’s a climb, a very difficult one. I know I should talk to this to a friend or maybe a parent, but like I said, I am ashamed of my words, and how vulnerable it makes me feel. I write this, wishing no-one sees this, the ones that know me at least.
Also, I let a great guy go recently because I couldn’t honestly feel anything. I told him all horrible things about me and I realised I have somewhere started defining myself with my struggle. I can’t recollect a single happy memory although I have so many. Is this self-pity? I don’t know what it is, I want my happy self back.
If you are reading this, send me some love, prayers, a shoutout, whatever.