I have always struggled with my self-description. I am a lot of things, and sometimes I am nothing. I am a lover, a warrior and everything in between. I fly and sometimes slide between extremes. I am very social and I am also a loner. I am timid but I am also very brave. How do you put a breathing soul in the mere capacity of words? For now, just call me Jean.
Mama dreamed of having a house of her own
And after a while so did I
Adi wanted to own a palace
I just wanted a warm, cozy place
We argued at an end for months about what place I’d get
Finally, unbeknownst to him I bought a run down
My obsession for dilapidated building got to me
I painted it red and planked the window shut
Called it the house of broken yet beautiful things
The landmark was a cycle, from the yard sale
The house was me, reminded me of myself
Closed on the outside, shut and sealed
But if I ever opened the door, you’d smell
The aroma of freshly brewed coffee
My daughter’s portrait under the one that got away.
my obsession for flowers
all kinds of green
colorful things, furniture, and a million knives
My cat sprawled on the aquatic green sofa
While I crash on the floor beside
My retriever fighting his reflection in the mirror
placed bang opposite to the door.
Su says it helps with the evil
For no-one is evil to their reflection.
I don’t see frequent visitors
Unless they have secrets to share
bottled in Mason Jars placed on the teak wooden shelves
next to the books.
Some crash behind, some fall asleep,
a few leave even before I wake up.
Certain nights I open them for the ghosts of my past,
they come back, but I send them on their way fast.
I hang them on the sorry tree in my backyard,
let the wind carry them away.
Behind the door is a world love.
That’s where I live,
It is my home, and
Among a few, you are always welcome.
I want to open a furniture outlet
By the beach
In Goa, he says
Me too, I fool around
What are you selling, he asks
What do you suggest, I counter question
Magic, he says
Charms, potions, spells; I blush
We both crash on the beach
Beer for him
Coffee for me but laced
He is earth; I am air
Carrying tales of distant lands
While he provides me with the fire
for the alchemy.
We barter as the night ends,
the carpenter sells me a wooden heart
and I trade him the Amortentia.
We give love a bad name
As you linger around the corner of my brain,
your face hovers over mine
Connecting neurons like dots on my black dress
Making me twitch, tingle and tremble
Cutting my T’s – like you powder your nose
inhaling, burning and releasing
I am already inside the premises
while you are dotting my closed eyes
Your fingers race through my hair
like the keypad
finding the right password to get inside my head
You are a hacker,
Airplanes fly above us, their tail-lights as if chasing the stars
The west wind blows over the sea
As my fingers fish for your heart
you believe your lies to the center
mine to the left, walls, security checks, fingerprints and retina scans
for the access to your radioactive heart
But I am a spy.
I clench your heart, while you hold my mind
You rush through, I
take my time — I scramble signals
You tighten your walls
Your army of cells clash with my military
knowing one of us will remain to clean the mess
Fighting in the dark, just lasers, no sound
Airplanes swoosh in the sky
as I breathe words in your ears
You go down as I glide
taking a longer route to my mind,
James Bond your way up.
I am the bride love,
shot in the head before
You are getting close
So freaking near, one leap of faith
I open my eyes, now mimicking yours
I need to get through
I drag you higher, as my eyes pass the test
the blade slides in the keyway of the lock
You know I have sneaked my way in
You call for a truce, but it’s too late now
the guns blaze
Your heart reacts, and my mind explodes
And we are stardust now
We see phosphenes fly
We give a love a bad name
In a bid to finish last
Fighting a war
You are just Israel, and I am Russia
You are all Yahweh
And I am 60 percent vodka
You shouldn’t have been allowed in
You wish to leave, but how
My mind is a prisoner of war, maybe
But your heart is mine now.
On this day in 1945, at 8:16 a.m. Japanese time, an American B-29 bomber, the Enola Gay, drops the world’s first atom bomb, over the city of Hiroshima. Approximately 80,000 people are killed as a direct result of the blast, and another 35,000 are injured
I crank up the stereo volume till my ears bleed
Shutting out this world
Where I am supposed to belong, but I don’t
The very place I stand
was destroyed, rebuilt and is about to be destroyed again
Who decided to kill for peace
who chose to die for love
Where did we go wrong love, where did we fall
What have we built
the fires rage after years
we pay for our faults
our children, naive darlings
some can’t walk, some can’t talk
What were we fighting for
Who were we fighting against
The bombs, the tanks, the guns
Someone holds the gun
But a different one pulls the trigger
We are a mess
Of blood, shards of human parts
for a man’s ego.
I crank up the volume and close my eyes
I squeeze them shut
It is eating us alive. this anger, this fear
Running away from our ends
Mowing down everything
When are we going to stop, love
How many more bodies are we going to step on
How do we win wars
When we collectively lose
I crank up the volume further up
Until I can’t hear myself anymore
At the edge of the skyscraper
dropping down several feet below
like the little boy and the fat man
At least I destroy myself while
this world destroys itself.
I am done.
I am difficult
Tangled like the curls on my head
Uneven, in myriad shades of bleach
Somedays I am a star
Other days I am the meteor
Waiting to strike the earth
I leave craters wherever I touch
I am your first shot of whiskey on a empty stomach
I am pungent, burning your throat
Driving you to the edge
And when I touch your stomach
You will feel me prick you
You swear off me, making a vow to not touch me again
You drink water, you bite something really spicy that makes your eyes water
And then eventually you start feeling the warmth
Engulfing every cell in your system
Hitting every nerve that makes you either scream or squeal
Because when you are alive, I live
I am your worst nightmare
Like a lightning,
striking the one thing you fear
And it’s too late
But then I roar like a thunder
Screaming for help behind the fury
I will hurt you like a nagging pain
In your knees
So that you know when you are going down
I am difficult love
By all means impossible
I am a cannon ball
Don’t hold me too close
I will make your skin crawl
But on nights you are quiet, I will let you bury your head
In my chest and lay there
As you sleep
Because I am also your solace
And I will watch over you
Like stars do
Night after night.
Loneliness stabs me in the centre of my chest — makes a nice clean cut
There’s no blood like the last time
What is it about the depth of the night
— it makes you feel intensely
Haunting restlessness sets in
The leaves rustle wildly against the window
No rain tonight, just wind
The cars are parked neatly in boxes
And temple is pristine white
—television’s pitch black
Everything is still but me
Moving from one furniture to another
Pacing back and forth
That’s what horror is — the quiet
Like something will jump out any moment
But nothing does
The chest goes on a radio static
As if making contact with outer space
Is anyone there, I wonder
I move back to the bed, where he once lay
Drawn to the ceiling – it has painted white
hibiscus against cherry pink
Like flowers floating in sangria
It baffles me, how did I miss it night after night
We had it for a long time now
Yet I missed it like everything else
The truth, it was before me as a child
— as an adolescent, tonight
I wasn’t ready to see
I looked at it against the incandescent – it lights it through the left corner
I speak plainly tonight
Saving you time – spending lifetime deciphering my metaphors
I can’t let go of this feeling as you sleep without consequence
Where I am compelled to choose this slumber
We are still eight minutes to four
A man takes off on his bike at a distance
Solace in a stranger
We are alone but in a crowd
If I only thought positive – I’d sleep better
The radio static numbs down gets somber
As if the contact is established
That night — loneliness set in
The same way as now we blamed it on the ghosts that roamed the place
We didn’t look the ones that made me their abode
What is it about people, so difficult to convince, the unseen
They name everything, it makes it easier than the incomprehensible
If you see it, you are a maniac, if a lot of you see it, it’s collective hysteria
But if they see it then it exist
What is real – I question
Is it me or is all of this nibbling at my soul
If thoughts had power he’d be here
And that all made sense, we’d go bonkers
The time moves ahead
And we remain alone
What starts at three sometimes ends at four.
Tell me what happened when you held my hands,
Did it burn?
Did you freeze?
Did you walk through the history of time,
Through the deserts,
where we once ran for refuge?
You tell me you feel;
I say to you that I observe.
What did you think when you kissed,
why did you then submit?
Why did your teeth sink in the sand
that is me?
Did I lure you,
why did we make a mess of the bed?
What were you looking for
In my eyes;
Were you searching for my soul
or just your reflection staring back at you?
And when you made your way inside
you broke the boundaries,
the laws of the ceasefire.
What is it that you were trying to conquer
me or your fears of the intensity?
Were you scared it would suck you in the whirlwind that was me?
And when I convexed, and you concaved
Did we trap the light between us?
You say you feel
Did you feel the teardrops roll down from my eyes
in your hands?
You shuddered, and I trembled.
Talked about your lovers and I merely smiled.
So how did it go?
Did we exist through it or did we live?